Break of Day

A quick refresher of a blog, after many months away. The hum of the engines pressing ever ahead. The clatter of boots as men prepare to assume their watch in the waiting night. The hours of monotony, of study, of cleaning, of … nothing. The moments of adrenalin as everything comes crashing down. To watch the stars above. To feel the sea below. To feel the howl of the gale. To pass the weeks in solitude. To awaken again from the dream.

Dear John,

Blurry. Hues, slowly coalescing into focus. Blink. The early morning light casts a strange pall on the bedroom. Blink. Surrounded by the stench of decay and shadow. Blink. The room begins to resume its standard composure as the new day breaks.
A quick shower, trying to shake the feeling of dread from the night before. Odd how the mind works. Could have sworn I saw the man in black Great. Jumping at fog in the mirror. Blasted heebie jeebies, just stop thinking about it. There is no one else in the room. No monster hiding in the dark. Now finish getting ready for work.A quick and easy breakfast. Two eggs, a little cheese, glass of juice. Funny, eggs don’t smell quite right, almost like that smell from the… blink. The feeling ebbs, no use wasting time standing around.

A car, following too close; driving erratically. Odd that the other drivers don’t seem to notice. Big city, though. Stranger things have happened. Exit 109 coming up, a gentle turn to the right. Followed by the same car. Quarter mile down the road, a left. Still tailed. A quick right down a side road, followed by another rapid swerve right. Still there. Floor it. Look back. Nothing’s there. The rest of the commute passes uneventfully.

Pull into the parking complex, elevator arriving promptly, right on cue. A man in black, reaching out, grabbing, dragging inwards, down, down. Turning to run, “John! What’s the matter? You look like you just saw a ghost.” “What? Oh. Nothing, Steven. I, I guess I just need to wake up.” “No worries, man, no worries. Oh hey, before I forget, big news coming down the grapevine, the boss wants to see. Word is you may be up for a promotion. ”
Greeted by his secretary. “You look tired, you need to wake up John, this could be a big day for you.” “I know, I’m sorry. Rough night, I dreamed about… I … I actually can’t remember, Kept me up though.” Happens to the best of us. He’ll see you now.”
Blink.
Darkness. All encompassing. An empty Void. The musk of things best left unknown and forgotten. Something moves in the distance. But no, that isn’t right, it is a feeling, a constricting of the chest. It knows. “John, are you listening? You need to wake up, I was saying that we have seen a 7.8 rise in stocks, and we think it is mostly due to your targeted market promotion. The Board wants to meet the man who is rebuilding the company. Play those cards right, and I may be calling you “sir”.” “Oh, sorry. That’s wonderful news, really. Thanks.”
Back to work. Attempting to forget the oddities of the day’s events. “I think I need to get the doctor to adjust my dosage”, absently muttered. “Excuse me sir, what?” “Oh, just thing out loud, sorry.” “No problem at all sir, you need to wake up. I’ll be on my way.”
Need a break, a few hours away from the office. Decide to step out for lunch, just something quick, stop by the McDonald’s half a block away. “I’ll take a berry shake and a quarter pounder” “You need to wake up, John.” “What? What the hell did you just say?” “I, I’m sorry sir, it’s just standard policy, I just asked if you wanted to make it a combo meal. We… we were told to ask everyone that.” “Sorry. I’m, I guess I’m a little on edge. Yeah, go ahead and do that. And keep the change.”Grab the food and find a seat, away from the ever prying eyes. That wasn’t good. Took the medicine this morning? Think, Think. Shit, not sure. Pop one now. Just to be safe.
“Hello, It’ s John, I’m going to take the next few hours off, I’ll be back in the office at, say three-ish.” *Click* Need some fresh air. Get away from, it. Not far to the Commons, a good place to just breath and relax. Find the nearest subway, jump on the green line. As it pulls away, you notice him. The man in black. He smiles from the platform.
Blink.
The Void awaits. It’s still there. In the black, it’s invisible. But it makes noise. A low rumbling, so large it causes trembles. Or perhaps that’s just the dread and terror that is causing the shakes. An ant can comprehend the boot that crushes it better than one could make sense of this. The beast of the Void. And it is drawing ever closer.
“Are you drunk? On drugs? Wake the hell up, John, this is the end of the line!”
“Huh? Oh, yeah sure, this is my stop. My apologize for inconveniencing you.
Wait a second, sorry. I just have to ask, how do you know my name?”
“You sure you’re ok, buddy? It’s on your name-tag. Do you need me to get you help?”
“No, no. I’m fine.”
“Just having a, having a daydream, sorry again”
A quick jaunt to the local park. Getting lost in the hustle and bustle of a big city, it’s easy to forget the oddities of the days events. Lost in the crowd, it’s easy to become just another face with somewhere to be. But fatigue begins to take its toll. Tired, drained by the day’s events, the sun and crowd become oppressive. Grab a seat and rest.
Blink.
Just for a moment.
Blink.

It was out there. Inches, feet, yards away at most. The inky darkness was like a shroud around it. A warm mist billows forth, the perfume of Hell.  It had arrived, at last, to its prey. The end destination. There would no escape. No heart pounding chase. Like a hare before the hound. Waiting, in terror. Waiting to die.
Blink.

A cooling breeze ,the sweet hint of lillies on the wind. It’s gentleness harsh contrast to the horror that had come before. Peace. Serenity for a shattered mind. Quiet. Much too quiet. A busy park should have someone, anyone, around.
And then, like blood soaking through a white cloth, he appeared.
The damnable Man in Black.

Running. No, fleeing. Panic and dread. But then, the green-way gives way to the street. Back to the city. There the car sits; it’s safety beckoning. A moment of discontent. A feeling of wrongness. It passes quickly. There is a drug store two blocks away. Need, something, to make this nightmare end. The drive calms the nerves. The hackles slowly descend.Tune in the radio, forget the horror. “”…reen line will remained closed for the rest of the week due to maintenance” *click* “The FDA has linked this drug with neurosis the man in black. Wake up, John. *Click* I am awake I am awake iamwakeiamawake

The welcoming doors open. Time for an end for time an end. Muffled voices ignored in pursuit of the goal. Just have to make it to the pharmacy. Salvation in a bottle. Clarity encapsulated. The muffled buzz grows louder. Louder. Louder. Piercing through the fog. A grandmotherly woman muttering nearby. A clerk stocking shelves providing accompaniment. A toddler speaking in babble. Chanting. “Wake up John, Wake up.” Building in fervor. Shattering the veil. A scream of Anguish. And for one blessed moment, silence. A look of confusion flows from face to face. It is quickly, much to quickly, replaced by… nothing. Blankness. A lack of humanity. Like birds of prey they begin to descend.
Blink.
This time it is different. Still surrounded by nothingness, but somehow, less dark. The chanting returns, sing-song in cadence. Urging, pleading for the dream to end. “But how?” And, for once, it answers, “You’ll know.”
Blink.

Back home. Darkness begins to shroud the city. For the first time in an eternity, quiet. A softly blowing breeze. It’s there. Behind you, like you knew it would be.
Blink. The precipice edges closer as the beast draws ever nearer. Blink The courtons brush past. Blink. A wolfish grin splits its maw, this will not be quick, nor gentle. Blink. Footfalls on the  balcony. Blink .Desalsion. Despair. The end. No, the End. The abyss is the only refuge left. Blink. The pavement rushes to offer a tender embrace.

Blink.

Blink.

Blink.

The Man in Black awaits.

“We can rebuild him. We have the technology.”

So, me in ten years. Yikes, what a concept. Out of all of the possible places I could be, two possible futures are what I’m focused on. In one, I serve my four years in the Coast Guard, re-up as an officer and spend another 16 serving my nation, so at the ten year from now mark, hopefully I’d be a vital part of my team by then. Door number 2 is a little more tricky/far-fetched. It involves following my passion for making a fool of myself in public. Becoming an actor. I love acting, but being from a small little community that may or may not exist on the map, I really don’t have anything to compare myself to. Sure, random strangers have told me they enjoyed my play, but it isn’t like I was performing in the critics pick on Broadway. But it is also something I don’t want to give up. I love the arts, I love making music, to hear a symphony swell. I love acting,  standing in front of complete strangers and causing some form of connection. I love typing this blog, even if I am the only one laughing at my own jokes or reading my own failings. I love looking at other peoples art, because I suck really hardcore at it. But other then the drawing, I love the creative aspects of life. But that is just one possibility that seems more and more fleeting as I think about it. But I will endeavor to do my best to make it a reality, and even if I do stay in the CG 20 or 30 years, I can still be a member of community theatre. It isn’t something I want to give up. But who knows what all I’ve have learned? Will I be a changed man? For the better or for the worse? But really, all this dwelling on the future is only a thought experiment, nothing more. My life could be changed forever tomorrow or even terminated. Now, that is not to say that everyone should live with  no regards at all to the future, but ten years seems really long way away for me to have entirely mapped out. I’ll just have to remind future me to live in the present more than the past or future.

P.S. Dearest reader, here be a link to that play I was talking about, so you can judge for yourself.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2HV39t9NMA&feature=g-upl&context=G2d3a668AUAAAAAAAAAA

The Quest of Self

This may be the most defining week of the next chunk of my life. I am gearing down to the last day of class in this semester tomorrow, I have the two final performances of what could be the entirety of my 3 play acting career, and also, most importantly, I passed my MEPS physical. Soon I will sign away four years of my life, swear an oath, and, come April the 15th, ship of to basic to begin my time in the United States’ Coast Guard. And that terrifies me/excites me/confuses me. I want things to change, I want to go new places, meet new people, learn new things. I don’t want to leave, I like the stability my life currently offers. I’ll miss my job, my friends, my family. I have grown accustomed to life here, the same as I had grown accustomed to life at LMU. I’m scared. I’m afraid I’ll be lonely, afraid I won’t fit it, afraid I’ll stop being the me I know. But although I may be starting to sound like a whiny, emo man-child, I also want to me meet new people, learn some discipline, serve my country, slow the insistent questioning of every-damn-thing-under-the-sun. I do and will miss my friends though, from the absolutely insane shit Daniel I did (one night in Knoxville springs immediately to mind), the horrid rap renditions of country songs with Jeb, to having my room invaded by Batwoman and Blackbush the Pirate played by Amber and Jessica respectively. And also, in the seven months I’ve been back from college I’ve been adopted as a new son by the Dicksons’, thrashed the Allies assess with Stephen Joiner as we beat down on his college buddies, and had a blast in the afore  mentioned “A Country Christmas Carol” and at Food Lion. But I’m hopeful that I’ll meet new people to make new stories with. So what am I? I don’t know. Am I the sum of my actions? A failed student, failed lover, failed friend,  failed… everything? Or am I a ( cue egomanical music) triumphant actor, tender love, Best MothaFuckinFriendEva, be all, end all shiznit badass? Something in between? A little of everything? Me? Who the hell is he and what does he want? Because I’m trying my damnedest to find out. And thus ends a very random blog. And what, if anything, if nothing, does it mean dearest reader? Perhaps it is truly nothing more than flashes from an idle mind.

Lies and halftruths

Rain splatters on the window as I gaze at the ceiling, contemplating the days events. Thoughts flit through my mind, each too rapid and unformed to clearly formalize into sentience. I recollect the previous days events (or was it the day before?) so uniform in their entirety that each begin to flow into the other. Static and unchanging. My conscience thoughts recede. Tonight, I will not contemplate my place in the universe, nor will I analyze my every thought or action. I stare through the ceiling, into the deep void of space; past the confines of thought or reason or emotion, into the deep wells of infinity. I awaken with a start, and the cycle begins anew.

Untitled

Fool. Emotions swirl; sadness, longing. Acceptance. Contradictions to live with, old friends making their rounds yet again. Thoughts teeter on the brink of… Madness? Folly? Swings back. Ration, logic, calculations. All return. A balancing act. Lies and truth, acceptance and denial. Ah, how naive of me to believe I could rid myself of them that easily. I am… content? No. Whole.

As I ramble

I hate being an empathetic person. I can always put myself in someone else’s shoes, make excuses for them, explain everything wrong away. And I can’t stand it. I want to be able to say, “I don’ t give a damn about your reasons, these were your actions.” Not, “You’re human, I’m human. Mistakes happen and you learn and move on.” Black and white would be so much simpler, You’re a good person, You’re bad.

Grey just gets confusing. Morality changes based on the situation. Good and evil become nothing more than points of view; different wordings of the same event. Villains do good, and heroes fall. But where do we draw the line? Where in the this quagmire of shades do we say “This, this is evil or This all that is good”? Is it different for each of us? Could my “evil” be your “good”? If so, who is right? Do we turn to religion for answers; try to categorize every thing we do based on archaic rules? Trust our own judgement and try to cope with the myriad of fluctuating variables of our own views?

I don’t know the all the answers, hell, I barely know any at all. But as for me, I’ll follow my own rules. I’ll  live in my grey world; taking the good, taking the bad, taking the neutral. I’ll put my myself in some else’s shoes. Because as difficult as it can be, as much turmoil and confusion as it can bring, I’d hate being static and unchanging even more. So I’ll plod on, accepting that in most, NOT all, situations, good or evil just won’t cut it. It will have to be good and evil.

Enervate

Rest eludes me, brain firing random thoughts and images; they make no sense, even unto itself. I wait, as thought and emotion slow and begin to seep out. Fatigue sets in. I quiet.

Strangers

As I go through my day, I sometimes wonder what is happening behind the masks people present to the world. Sometimes I catch fleeting glimpses of pain, of joy, of sorrow, of peace. But oftentimes, their faces are blank to me; perhaps I’ll get a fake smile or brief nod of acknowledgement, but as to the nature of the person beneath, I often simply do not know. And as I paint that selfsame smile on my own face, I can’t help but think, do they wonder about me as well?