Break of Day

A quick refresher of a blog, after many months away. The hum of the engines pressing ever ahead. The clatter of boots as men prepare to assume their watch in the waiting night. The hours of monotony, of study, of cleaning, of … nothing. The moments of adrenalin as everything comes crashing down. To watch the stars above. To feel the sea below. To feel the howl of the gale. To pass the weeks in solitude. To awaken again from the dream.

Dear John,

Blurry. Hues, slowly coalescing into focus. Blink. The early morning light casts a strange pall on the bedroom. Blink. Surrounded by the stench of decay and shadow. Blink. The room begins to resume its standard composure as the new day breaks.
A quick shower, trying to shake the feeling of dread from the night before. Odd how the mind works. Could have sworn I saw the man in black Great. Jumping at fog in the mirror. Blasted heebie jeebies, just stop thinking about it. There is no one else in the room. No monster hiding in the dark. Now finish getting ready for work.A quick and easy breakfast. Two eggs, a little cheese, glass of juice. Funny, eggs don’t smell quite right, almost like that smell from the… blink. The feeling ebbs, no use wasting time standing around.

A car, following too close; driving erratically. Odd that the other drivers don’t seem to notice. Big city, though. Stranger things have happened. Exit 109 coming up, a gentle turn to the right. Followed by the same car. Quarter mile down the road, a left. Still tailed. A quick right down a side road, followed by another rapid swerve right. Still there. Floor it. Look back. Nothing’s there. The rest of the commute passes uneventfully.

Pull into the parking complex, elevator arriving promptly, right on cue. A man in black, reaching out, grabbing, dragging inwards, down, down. Turning to run, “John! What’s the matter? You look like you just saw a ghost.” “What? Oh. Nothing, Steven. I, I guess I just need to wake up.” “No worries, man, no worries. Oh hey, before I forget, big news coming down the grapevine, the boss wants to see. Word is you may be up for a promotion. ”
Greeted by his secretary. “You look tired, you need to wake up John, this could be a big day for you.” “I know, I’m sorry. Rough night, I dreamed about… I … I actually can’t remember, Kept me up though.” Happens to the best of us. He’ll see you now.”
Blink.
Darkness. All encompassing. An empty Void. The musk of things best left unknown and forgotten. Something moves in the distance. But no, that isn’t right, it is a feeling, a constricting of the chest. It knows. “John, are you listening? You need to wake up, I was saying that we have seen a 7.8 rise in stocks, and we think it is mostly due to your targeted market promotion. The Board wants to meet the man who is rebuilding the company. Play those cards right, and I may be calling you “sir”.” “Oh, sorry. That’s wonderful news, really. Thanks.”
Back to work. Attempting to forget the oddities of the day’s events. “I think I need to get the doctor to adjust my dosage”, absently muttered. “Excuse me sir, what?” “Oh, just thing out loud, sorry.” “No problem at all sir, you need to wake up. I’ll be on my way.”
Need a break, a few hours away from the office. Decide to step out for lunch, just something quick, stop by the McDonald’s half a block away. “I’ll take a berry shake and a quarter pounder” “You need to wake up, John.” “What? What the hell did you just say?” “I, I’m sorry sir, it’s just standard policy, I just asked if you wanted to make it a combo meal. We… we were told to ask everyone that.” “Sorry. I’m, I guess I’m a little on edge. Yeah, go ahead and do that. And keep the change.”Grab the food and find a seat, away from the ever prying eyes. That wasn’t good. Took the medicine this morning? Think, Think. Shit, not sure. Pop one now. Just to be safe.
“Hello, It’ s John, I’m going to take the next few hours off, I’ll be back in the office at, say three-ish.” *Click* Need some fresh air. Get away from, it. Not far to the Commons, a good place to just breath and relax. Find the nearest subway, jump on the green line. As it pulls away, you notice him. The man in black. He smiles from the platform.
Blink.
The Void awaits. It’s still there. In the black, it’s invisible. But it makes noise. A low rumbling, so large it causes trembles. Or perhaps that’s just the dread and terror that is causing the shakes. An ant can comprehend the boot that crushes it better than one could make sense of this. The beast of the Void. And it is drawing ever closer.
“Are you drunk? On drugs? Wake the hell up, John, this is the end of the line!”
“Huh? Oh, yeah sure, this is my stop. My apologize for inconveniencing you.
Wait a second, sorry. I just have to ask, how do you know my name?”
“You sure you’re ok, buddy? It’s on your name-tag. Do you need me to get you help?”
“No, no. I’m fine.”
“Just having a, having a daydream, sorry again”
A quick jaunt to the local park. Getting lost in the hustle and bustle of a big city, it’s easy to forget the oddities of the days events. Lost in the crowd, it’s easy to become just another face with somewhere to be. But fatigue begins to take its toll. Tired, drained by the day’s events, the sun and crowd become oppressive. Grab a seat and rest.
Blink.
Just for a moment.
Blink.

It was out there. Inches, feet, yards away at most. The inky darkness was like a shroud around it. A warm mist billows forth, the perfume of Hell.  It had arrived, at last, to its prey. The end destination. There would no escape. No heart pounding chase. Like a hare before the hound. Waiting, in terror. Waiting to die.
Blink.

A cooling breeze ,the sweet hint of lillies on the wind. It’s gentleness harsh contrast to the horror that had come before. Peace. Serenity for a shattered mind. Quiet. Much too quiet. A busy park should have someone, anyone, around.
And then, like blood soaking through a white cloth, he appeared.
The damnable Man in Black.

Running. No, fleeing. Panic and dread. But then, the green-way gives way to the street. Back to the city. There the car sits; it’s safety beckoning. A moment of discontent. A feeling of wrongness. It passes quickly. There is a drug store two blocks away. Need, something, to make this nightmare end. The drive calms the nerves. The hackles slowly descend.Tune in the radio, forget the horror. “”…reen line will remained closed for the rest of the week due to maintenance” *click* “The FDA has linked this drug with neurosis the man in black. Wake up, John. *Click* I am awake I am awake iamwakeiamawake

The welcoming doors open. Time for an end for time an end. Muffled voices ignored in pursuit of the goal. Just have to make it to the pharmacy. Salvation in a bottle. Clarity encapsulated. The muffled buzz grows louder. Louder. Louder. Piercing through the fog. A grandmotherly woman muttering nearby. A clerk stocking shelves providing accompaniment. A toddler speaking in babble. Chanting. “Wake up John, Wake up.” Building in fervor. Shattering the veil. A scream of Anguish. And for one blessed moment, silence. A look of confusion flows from face to face. It is quickly, much to quickly, replaced by… nothing. Blankness. A lack of humanity. Like birds of prey they begin to descend.
Blink.
This time it is different. Still surrounded by nothingness, but somehow, less dark. The chanting returns, sing-song in cadence. Urging, pleading for the dream to end. “But how?” And, for once, it answers, “You’ll know.”
Blink.

Back home. Darkness begins to shroud the city. For the first time in an eternity, quiet. A softly blowing breeze. It’s there. Behind you, like you knew it would be.
Blink. The precipice edges closer as the beast draws ever nearer. Blink The courtons brush past. Blink. A wolfish grin splits its maw, this will not be quick, nor gentle. Blink. Footfalls on the  balcony. Blink .Desalsion. Despair. The end. No, the End. The abyss is the only refuge left. Blink. The pavement rushes to offer a tender embrace.

Blink.

Blink.

Blink.

The Man in Black awaits.

Dawn of a new day

Memories; the seemingly distant recollections of another day, another time. Another me. Has only been a month since basic training? Only a year since LMU? Two since high school? They feel like the happened a lifetime ago. Two months at basic, 9 months at LMU, and four years of college. Two weeks in Boston and they already feel like they happened to someone else. I feel exactly the same and completely different.

Truth to tell, I don’t know how I feel. Being even more honest, I miss my past. I miss the college life, I miss those carefree days of high school. I miss the friends I counted as closer than family that now, I only text or see once a year. It seems like I’ve started the next chapter, but right now I’m wanting to reread the last one. Don’t get me wrong, I still think joining the coast guard was a good decision. I love what little I’ve seen of Boston, I just miss my past too. Will it always be like this? Two, three years down the road will I be blogging about how I miss my new city? So what? Will I blow  like dust in the wind for the next twenty years? I don’t know. But one thing is for certain, I won’t find out sitting here writing this blog.

The Setting Sun

So, things have changed a little for me since my last post. I’ve grown up some. Funny how a leadership role will do that to you. But back to the matter at hand. I’m going to write a blog about… I don’t know … stuff. Maybe I’ll mention how I feel a bit more self-confidant and bossy now. How now I’m less a passive observer and more of a jump in and get it done type person. Or perhaps, I expect people to listen to what I have to say. But honestly, right now, the only thing I can concentrate on is how happy I am to be lying in my own bed, listening to my music, typing on my laptop, and generally just being an individual and not part of a unit.  Also being honest, however,  means that I also miss the ordered structure of boot camp. I always knew what I what had to do, how to do it, and the length of time I had to get it done. And I miss some of that order in the hectic and chaotic outside world. So I’m also a little confused. and tired. More tired then I thought was humanly possible. I am honestly not even looking at the screen as i type this, so i think now is a good time to crash and try get some rest. Hopefully next post will be a little more insightful.

A self in the multitude.

Impulses, unwanted sensory stimulation. A cold breeze, shirt; too tight. The noise of a distant radio, too loud. Unwelcome thoughts of the now. Unuttered  fears of the future.

A warm spring sun. Gently rolling grass, creating the illusion of a peaceful harbor. A moment of respite

Dueling perspective; hope, despair. Happiness and sorrow. Hope and regrets. Why is it never easy for you, Logan? Always questioning, always searching for something more. A reason for your follies and triumphs. Is there a reason certain things fall perfectly into place for you, while others detonate as if cursed? Or is this merely the byproduct of an overactive imagination?

Wake up and smell the extremely high pollen count that has declared a war on your nasal cavity. You are a self in the world populated by billions of your own kind. The only thing that separates you from them is your actions. No “Chosen one”, no “predestined for greatness”. Just you, your actions, and whether not you can justify them well enough to sleep at night.

Title(optional) -Nothing is assured-

Hurried steps into the room. A quick glance, a rapid exchange. Words pour forth. Building in tempo. A gentle rain turning to thunder. A swell in a wave; passion and frenzy. Everything lain bare. The Truth, at last, making a triumphant entrance. Building, building, building, until it seems it will never end. Yelling, shouting the deepest unutterable thoughts and affection. But it cannot continue unabated. The exposition falters; the wave breaks; the storm has spent it’s fury. Everything has changed. Things can never return to the way they were, for good or ill. Awaiting the reaction. Will it be met with scorn, dismay, disgust? Embarrassment? Sorrow? Could one even hope to be met with gladness? With Joy? Emotions meeting in a fevered frenzy of excitement?

No.

The risk, too great. Nothing more than an idle flit of fancy. No need to upset your precariously balanced life. No need to make a scene, act a fool, or embarrass yourself. Keep up your facade, paint that selfsame smile you always have on your face. “Your husband”, you’ll ask, “is he well? And your children, surely they must have grown. I’ve not even met your youngest yet.” She’ll meet you with a pleasant response, perhaps offering some humorous anecdote of her son “Boys will be boys,” she will conclude. As the silence stretches on uncomfortably you may fabricate an appointment you have to make. “We should see each other soon,” you will say, and hope. She will reply with the pleasant lie, “Of course.” And each will go your separate way, two threads never to be spun together.

And that dearest reader, is something I had scribbled before I even knew what a blog was. So I guess I just plagiarized my own writing, oh the horror.

The creeping quiet

Restless. Idle movements and thoughts. A road beginning and ending at the same point. Nowhere. Nothing. Meaningless impulses, brought about by fatigue and too much time. Idleness. Not the devil’s plaything, but ego’s .Or perhaps they are the same thing, merely different names for a self concerned only inwardly. No grandstanding or soapboxes this evening. No re-examination of my own inner psych. No dreams, no fears, no hopes, or disappointments or regrets. Apathy, a numbing of the mind. A break from the norm. disjointed. blocky. Jumping from point to point. No fluidity this evening, no grace. Only the tapping of keys to remind me of the self. Conscience thought does not come easily or follow a natural order. I exist merely in the twitches of a foot in need of scratching, in the coolness felt from a breeze. I exist, no more. I become a placeholder, a point in space. Fatigue taking its tolls. The shrouding effects of the darkness beginning to exact their tribute. Vision and thought recede . I quiet as illusive rest creeps in.

Data Acquisition

Tranquility; the inner solitude of a mind attempting to examine itself. Knowing it will fail. Colored by bias, distorted by preconceptions, fogged by finite experiences to draw upon. The all important “I” weighted against the other selfs that coexist. The sometimes overly harsh judgement of self-character versus the ease at which it is to explain away all my faults and actions; the tight rope between the extremes of Narcissism and Self-loathing. Brief moments of insight, coupled with random tangents branching forth into a myriad of paths. Conversations I might have, things I might do, and what consequences I envision they entail. Idle thoughts, having little basis in what really will happen. Too often, I find things not working out the way I foresee; things that seem so trifling become harbingers of ruination while others that seem to spell doom are shrugged off with a smile. Yet I continue. Sometimes even my most grandiose flits of thought are superseded by the reality. But mostly I am wrong, I am wrong time and time again. Reality and expectations all to often come into dissonance, yet hopefully I can try to add these new insights to the system.

At other times, thoughts elude me. I struggle to define myself. Logic fails and unexpected emotions well up and burst forth. Shattering the illusions ration and logic. I say things I regret, make a fool of myself, and act an ass. But strangely enough, I’m glad it happens. I am not a machine, a non-feeling entity that can plug variables into an equation and spit out results. I am a fellow human being doing his best to figure out what this ride is all about. And since I’m going on twenty and don’t have much to draw from, I think I’ll need all the practice I can get.

So, final verdict from my near Godlike omniscience at the wise and sagacious age of nineteen? Keep up your analyzing Logan, but always, always, remember that things usually work out the best with a good deal of “winging” it.

A year (or so) in review

So, I decided to read every random, asinine comment I’ve made to Facebook since I left Johnson County to go to college for the first time, and honestly, I feel rather different than I had expected. I had assumed that I would feel melancholy after reading about the good times I’d had with now-distant friends or the less than graceful way I moped through half my updates, but strangely, I feel rather upbeat. I’ve grown some since then. I’m a (hopefully anyway) slightly better person now, one who thinks just ever so slightly more about things then he did in the past. And I’m excited by that. Who knows, maybe in five or six years I’ll actually manage to be a somewhat tolerable individual :) I jest future self/dearest reader, clearly I’ll never be tolerable, but hey at least one person is laughing at my jokes (even if that “one person” happens to be yours truly) … Now where was I… Oh right, reviewing my past. I’ve learned to not freak out over everything quite so much anymore; if there isn’t anything I can do about it, why worry myself to death? I’ve, sadly, let a few friendships wither over time, but I’d like to correct that, and there is at least one college buddy Istill talk to (Looking at you Blackbush the Skank-Ho) Also, I’ve went from majoring in biology (something I thought I wanted to do, italics, of course, indicating thought incorrectly) to setting my feet down a road that, while I may not know where it will eventually lead, I’ve got the feeling it will be at least one hell of a ride. But I’m also kind of saddened. Dammit! I had some rather witty things to say in college!! Why isn’t that the case now!! I’m enraged, I’m punch-a-puppy-in-the-face-pissed off right now! (Also fyi dearest reader, punching puppies? Worst first date idea ever.) But, calming down, I think it may be due to the fact I’m not quite as mentally stimulated in “There are fifty states!?!?!” Johnson County as I was at a college university (Not to bash ALL of Johnson County, everywhere has it’s share of idiots, we just seem to have a little more than most). But also, I’ve not been reading as much as I should, or actively increasing my vernacular as aggressively as I would like. So yeah, Bad Logan. :(

But, moving on. In other ways, I’ve really not changed at all. I still follow mostly the same patterns and habits, still like and enjoy mostly the same JUST A SMALL TOWN GIRL!! LIVIN’ IN A LONELY WORLD! SHE TOOK THE MIDNIGHT TRAIN GOIN’ ANYWHERE!!.. Sorry about that, blacked out for a moment. Seems I’m still a Journey nerd. (Good thing SOPA isn’t around to send me to prison over that one). For all the little things that have changed, the big picture is still mostly the same. I still have to fight my ego on occasion, still have terrible lady skills, and still fail miserably at this whole macho man business. But you know what? I’ll let my ego get the best of me at least this once, because I like the person I am. Now, I know I am nowhere near perfect, and as far as faults go,I’ll be the first to admit I have my share, but I think on the whole, I’m a halfway decent human-being-like entity. So, my review? 5 stars out of LENGTH OF BLOG EXCEEDS PAGE CAPACITY 

“We can rebuild him. We have the technology.”

So, me in ten years. Yikes, what a concept. Out of all of the possible places I could be, two possible futures are what I’m focused on. In one, I serve my four years in the Coast Guard, re-up as an officer and spend another 16 serving my nation, so at the ten year from now mark, hopefully I’d be a vital part of my team by then. Door number 2 is a little more tricky/far-fetched. It involves following my passion for making a fool of myself in public. Becoming an actor. I love acting, but being from a small little community that may or may not exist on the map, I really don’t have anything to compare myself to. Sure, random strangers have told me they enjoyed my play, but it isn’t like I was performing in the critics pick on Broadway. But it is also something I don’t want to give up. I love the arts, I love making music, to hear a symphony swell. I love acting,  standing in front of complete strangers and causing some form of connection. I love typing this blog, even if I am the only one laughing at my own jokes or reading my own failings. I love looking at other peoples art, because I suck really hardcore at it. But other then the drawing, I love the creative aspects of life. But that is just one possibility that seems more and more fleeting as I think about it. But I will endeavor to do my best to make it a reality, and even if I do stay in the CG 20 or 30 years, I can still be a member of community theatre. It isn’t something I want to give up. But who knows what all I’ve have learned? Will I be a changed man? For the better or for the worse? But really, all this dwelling on the future is only a thought experiment, nothing more. My life could be changed forever tomorrow or even terminated. Now, that is not to say that everyone should live with  no regards at all to the future, but ten years seems really long way away for me to have entirely mapped out. I’ll just have to remind future me to live in the present more than the past or future.

P.S. Dearest reader, here be a link to that play I was talking about, so you can judge for yourself.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2HV39t9NMA&feature=g-upl&context=G2d3a668AUAAAAAAAAAA