A year (or so) in review

So, I decided to read every random, asinine comment I’ve made to Facebook since I left Johnson County to go to college for the first time, and honestly, I feel rather different than I had expected. I had assumed that I would feel melancholy after reading about the good times I’d had with now-distant friends or the less than graceful way I moped through half my updates, but strangely, I feel rather upbeat. I’ve grown some since then. I’m a (hopefully anyway) slightly better person now, one who thinks just ever so slightly more about things then he did in the past. And I’m excited by that. Who knows, maybe in five or six years I’ll actually manage to be a somewhat tolerable individual :) I jest future self/dearest reader, clearly I’ll never be tolerable, but hey at least one person is laughing at my jokes (even if that “one person” happens to be yours truly) … Now where was I… Oh right, reviewing my past. I’ve learned to not freak out over everything quite so much anymore; if there isn’t anything I can do about it, why worry myself to death? I’ve, sadly, let a few friendships wither over time, but I’d like to correct that, and there is at least one college buddy Istill talk to (Looking at you Blackbush the Skank-Ho) Also, I’ve went from majoring in biology (something I thought I wanted to do, italics, of course, indicating thought incorrectly) to setting my feet down a road that, while I may not know where it will eventually lead, I’ve got the feeling it will be at least one hell of a ride. But I’m also kind of saddened. Dammit! I had some rather witty things to say in college!! Why isn’t that the case now!! I’m enraged, I’m punch-a-puppy-in-the-face-pissed off right now! (Also fyi dearest reader, punching puppies? Worst first date idea ever.) But, calming down, I think it may be due to the fact I’m not quite as mentally stimulated in “There are fifty states!?!?!” Johnson County as I was at a college university (Not to bash ALL of Johnson County, everywhere has it’s share of idiots, we just seem to have a little more than most). But also, I’ve not been reading as much as I should, or actively increasing my vernacular as aggressively as I would like. So yeah, Bad Logan. :(

But, moving on. In other ways, I’ve really not changed at all. I still follow mostly the same patterns and habits, still like and enjoy mostly the same JUST A SMALL TOWN GIRL!! LIVIN’ IN A LONELY WORLD! SHE TOOK THE MIDNIGHT TRAIN GOIN’ ANYWHERE!!.. Sorry about that, blacked out for a moment. Seems I’m still a Journey nerd. (Good thing SOPA isn’t around to send me to prison over that one). For all the little things that have changed, the big picture is still mostly the same. I still have to fight my ego on occasion, still have terrible lady skills, and still fail miserably at this whole macho man business. But you know what? I’ll let my ego get the best of me at least this once, because I like the person I am. Now, I know I am nowhere near perfect, and as far as faults go,I’ll be the first to admit I have my share, but I think on the whole, I’m a halfway decent human-being-like entity. So, my review? 5 stars out of LENGTH OF BLOG EXCEEDS PAGE CAPACITY 

“We can rebuild him. We have the technology.”

So, me in ten years. Yikes, what a concept. Out of all of the possible places I could be, two possible futures are what I’m focused on. In one, I serve my four years in the Coast Guard, re-up as an officer and spend another 16 serving my nation, so at the ten year from now mark, hopefully I’d be a vital part of my team by then. Door number 2 is a little more tricky/far-fetched. It involves following my passion for making a fool of myself in public. Becoming an actor. I love acting, but being from a small little community that may or may not exist on the map, I really don’t have anything to compare myself to. Sure, random strangers have told me they enjoyed my play, but it isn’t like I was performing in the critics pick on Broadway. But it is also something I don’t want to give up. I love the arts, I love making music, to hear a symphony swell. I love acting,  standing in front of complete strangers and causing some form of connection. I love typing this blog, even if I am the only one laughing at my own jokes or reading my own failings. I love looking at other peoples art, because I suck really hardcore at it. But other then the drawing, I love the creative aspects of life. But that is just one possibility that seems more and more fleeting as I think about it. But I will endeavor to do my best to make it a reality, and even if I do stay in the CG 20 or 30 years, I can still be a member of community theatre. It isn’t something I want to give up. But who knows what all I’ve have learned? Will I be a changed man? For the better or for the worse? But really, all this dwelling on the future is only a thought experiment, nothing more. My life could be changed forever tomorrow or even terminated. Now, that is not to say that everyone should live with  no regards at all to the future, but ten years seems really long way away for me to have entirely mapped out. I’ll just have to remind future me to live in the present more than the past or future.

P.S. Dearest reader, here be a link to that play I was talking about, so you can judge for yourself.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2HV39t9NMA&feature=g-upl&context=G2d3a668AUAAAAAAAAAA

A Quagmire in the shades of Life.

After spending countless hours meditating over…. Ok, after sitting for about three minutes behind my keyboard and not being able to come up with anything to blog about, I’ve decided to do another “deep, introspective mumbo jumbo” type post, although this time I plan on not being such a raging sadsack. So, where to begin. Start with religion? Ramble on about my personal search for God? Or perhaps start with where I want to be ten years down the road, or whatever else it is I have already discerned in my infinite wisdom about this mundane and fleeting world (Sarcasm works much better when I’m dictating this blog mentally, hmm) or just continue to ramble at length about what I’m going to ramble about… actually I think I will talk about religion in this blog, and, depending on how well my creative juices are flowing, I may post something about the ten years or whatnot in another post. But back to the matter at hand. Religion. Faith; the unexplainable belief in something not of this world. Something I’ve never had. And that is not a statement of arrogance, but one of sorrow, of lacking. I wish I could believe in a loving, caring God that had my best intent  in mind, but I over-analyze and question to much to have any serious religious convictions. For every crisp Autumn morning with the birds and wildlife existing in perfect peace and harmony, there is a tsunami slamming into the other side of the world killing thousands. For the unbridled joy I will feel holding my future children in my arms for the first time, there are genocides that killed millions of their like. For with all the pain, heartache, treachery, and evil on this cesspool of a planet, I cannot believe in a god that is loving. But at the same time as my fury at the bigotry and hate in this planet boils to the brim, I go back to my quiet place. A  babbling brook, a deep spring giving forth clear and beautiful life bringing water.  I think of people who plunge into burning buildings to save total strangers. Of the heroes who fight to stop genocide, of the aid workers who try to save as many survivors from the wave as possible. I do believe in goodness. And while I may struggle with the concept of an all powerful being allowing evil to exist, I do come to one conclusion. God or no god, humanity is capable of the blackest of sins and the mercy and love of an angel. And in this quagmire, I will strive to be a force for good.

A bad case of fiction

I’ll preface this as “A random and spontaneous act of narrative fiction I  decided to type.” Oh, the wonders of bad writing :)

Waiting. The nervous pacing, the watching of the second-hand , the sparks of hope that fade to ash. The unutterable fears of disaster mingled with the excitement of what may come. At last, with an air of finality, the news arrived. Joyous, the man sprang up, giving his thanks to the Gods. His prayers had at last been answered, his time and effort fully vindicated. His fears that had seemed so palpable mere moments before, evaporated like the early morning dew. He danced, he laughed, he shouted his triumphs towards the Heavens themselves. After what seemed an eternity of happiness and hope, he quieted. His heart, it seemed, could not keep pace with his spirit. As the paramedics rushed to the scene, one accidentally knocked over the man’s laptop. As it clattered to the floor, had one’s errant gaze had happened to pass over it, one would have seen the sanguine news that had burst this mans heart. For on the screen it read “Friend request accepted.”

Sounds in the Void

Staring into the computer screen. Delusions of grandeur; belief in the fairy tale of self importance. No, Logan, you are simply fooling yourself, constructing elaborate, if pleasant, lies to slake the dismay of loneliness. You vain, shallow asshole who thinks he is unique in the world. Scared for the future. Excited by the possibilities. Dreaming for a day that may never come.

I am tired and lonely right now. This is not a constant emotional state, but as the months have already rolled well past a year, I find myself yearning for a lovers embrace more and more frequently. I know my own failings, but sadly, I can’t seem to do anything to fix them. I’m still terrified of rejection. I still break into a nervous sweat and make a fool of myself whenever I’m near a pretty girl, and I still convince myself of reciprocal feelings that don’t exist. I’m a socially awkward jerk . At least, I am sometimes. I think and never act. Or else I act and never stop to think. I am a hypocrite, a coward, and a liar. Who feels self-important enough to think that someone would actually take the time to read his asinine whinings.

I am tired and lonely right now. But that is not the whole of my being. I still have wonderful days, awesome friends, a great job, and a loving family. When rest eludes my weary mind, I may find myself in a state of unhappiness, but that is a part of life. I am tired and lonely RIGHT NOW. Not forever. Not I have always been. This is a transitive state. One day I will hold another in my embrace. The cycle may in fact repeat itself several times. But dammit, I’m strong enough to handle it. Yes, this sucks, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t worth it. The heartache and longing of a relationships end pales in comparison to the simple joy of feeling a heart beat alongside your own. The false starts and missed opportunities eventually give way to a new relationship, as beautiful and unique as stars in the sky. So yes, I’m in a lull, the soft part of a melody, when the instruments sigh and all hope seems lost. But I know that crescendo is coming, and it’ll ring to the heavens when it comes.

And its only fifty three and a half hours late!

It’s time to make some New Years resolutions!!!! What was that self? It is the third of January, so I’m a little late? And resolutions are much to vague and all or nothing to actually achieve? Well I’m getting tired of all your mouth self, so you best shut it before I break it. You say I’d have to hit myself to do that and “Surely I’m not that stupid?” Well I’ll show you!

[logged out due to inactivity]

Well, I was just released from the hospital, apparently I just broke three of my teeth, but hey, can’t let anyone talk down to you… Now where was I…. Oh right, resolutions… Let’s see, where to even begin? Be a better person? Where would I even begin? And what rubric would I be grading myself on?”Well, I only murdered 50 million people this year as opposed to the 100 million last year, so yeah, I’ve been a better person” doesn’t sound like a big improvement, but hey, at least I kept my resolution. So… let’s think of something else… I resolve to… You know what? Why even bother making a “resolution”? If I want to “be better person” I’ll just measure my responses, follow the golden rule, and be a descent human being. If I want to learn new things, I’ll go out and learn them. If I want to be healthier I’ll run a little more and eat a little less junk. I don’t need the arbitrary date of New Years to make a plan for how I want to change my life, I need to put my ass in gear and do it. So you know what? I resolve to live my life one day at a time. I’ll try to learn something I didn’t know the day before,  make the statement “the most in shape I have ever been” apply to each new day, approach each new situation with just a touch more wisdom and patience then the one before , and finally the biggie, simply make it through another year so I can start the process all over again.