Dawn of a new day

Memories; the seemingly distant recollections of another day, another time. Another me. Has only been a month since basic training? Only a year since LMU? Two since high school? They feel like the happened a lifetime ago. Two months at basic, 9 months at LMU, and four years of college. Two weeks in Boston and they already feel like they happened to someone else. I feel exactly the same and completely different.

Truth to tell, I don’t know how I feel. Being even more honest, I miss my past. I miss the college life, I miss those carefree days of high school. I miss the friends I counted as closer than family that now, I only text or see once a year. It seems like I’ve started the next chapter, but right now I’m wanting to reread the last one. Don’t get me wrong, I still think joining the coast guard was a good decision. I love what little I’ve seen of Boston, I just miss my past too. Will it always be like this? Two, three years down the road will I be blogging about how I miss my new city? So what? Will I blow  like dust in the wind for the next twenty years? I don’t know. But one thing is for certain, I won’t find out sitting here writing this blog.

The Setting Sun

So, things have changed a little for me since my last post. I’ve grown up some. Funny how a leadership role will do that to you. But back to the matter at hand. I’m going to write a blog about… I don’t know … stuff. Maybe I’ll mention how I feel a bit more self-confidant and bossy now. How now I’m less a passive observer and more of a jump in and get it done type person. Or perhaps, I expect people to listen to what I have to say. But honestly, right now, the only thing I can concentrate on is how happy I am to be lying in my own bed, listening to my music, typing on my laptop, and generally just being an individual and not part of a unit.  Also being honest, however,  means that I also miss the ordered structure of boot camp. I always knew what I what had to do, how to do it, and the length of time I had to get it done. And I miss some of that order in the hectic and chaotic outside world. So I’m also a little confused. and tired. More tired then I thought was humanly possible. I am honestly not even looking at the screen as i type this, so i think now is a good time to crash and try get some rest. Hopefully next post will be a little more insightful.

A self in the multitude.

Impulses, unwanted sensory stimulation. A cold breeze, shirt; too tight. The noise of a distant radio, too loud. Unwelcome thoughts of the now. Unuttered  fears of the future.

A warm spring sun. Gently rolling grass, creating the illusion of a peaceful harbor. A moment of respite

Dueling perspective; hope, despair. Happiness and sorrow. Hope and regrets. Why is it never easy for you, Logan? Always questioning, always searching for something more. A reason for your follies and triumphs. Is there a reason certain things fall perfectly into place for you, while others detonate as if cursed? Or is this merely the byproduct of an overactive imagination?

Wake up and smell the extremely high pollen count that has declared a war on your nasal cavity. You are a self in the world populated by billions of your own kind. The only thing that separates you from them is your actions. No “Chosen one”, no “predestined for greatness”. Just you, your actions, and whether not you can justify them well enough to sleep at night.

The creeping quiet

Restless. Idle movements and thoughts. A road beginning and ending at the same point. Nowhere. Nothing. Meaningless impulses, brought about by fatigue and too much time. Idleness. Not the devil’s plaything, but ego’s .Or perhaps they are the same thing, merely different names for a self concerned only inwardly. No grandstanding or soapboxes this evening. No re-examination of my own inner psych. No dreams, no fears, no hopes, or disappointments or regrets. Apathy, a numbing of the mind. A break from the norm. disjointed. blocky. Jumping from point to point. No fluidity this evening, no grace. Only the tapping of keys to remind me of the self. Conscience thought does not come easily or follow a natural order. I exist merely in the twitches of a foot in need of scratching, in the coolness felt from a breeze. I exist, no more. I become a placeholder, a point in space. Fatigue taking its tolls. The shrouding effects of the darkness beginning to exact their tribute. Vision and thought recede . I quiet as illusive rest creeps in.

A year (or so) in review

So, I decided to read every random, asinine comment I’ve made to Facebook since I left Johnson County to go to college for the first time, and honestly, I feel rather different than I had expected. I had assumed that I would feel melancholy after reading about the good times I’d had with now-distant friends or the less than graceful way I moped through half my updates, but strangely, I feel rather upbeat. I’ve grown some since then. I’m a (hopefully anyway) slightly better person now, one who thinks just ever so slightly more about things then he did in the past. And I’m excited by that. Who knows, maybe in five or six years I’ll actually manage to be a somewhat tolerable individual :) I jest future self/dearest reader, clearly I’ll never be tolerable, but hey at least one person is laughing at my jokes (even if that “one person” happens to be yours truly) … Now where was I… Oh right, reviewing my past. I’ve learned to not freak out over everything quite so much anymore; if there isn’t anything I can do about it, why worry myself to death? I’ve, sadly, let a few friendships wither over time, but I’d like to correct that, and there is at least one college buddy Istill talk to (Looking at you Blackbush the Skank-Ho) Also, I’ve went from majoring in biology (something I thought I wanted to do, italics, of course, indicating thought incorrectly) to setting my feet down a road that, while I may not know where it will eventually lead, I’ve got the feeling it will be at least one hell of a ride. But I’m also kind of saddened. Dammit! I had some rather witty things to say in college!! Why isn’t that the case now!! I’m enraged, I’m punch-a-puppy-in-the-face-pissed off right now! (Also fyi dearest reader, punching puppies? Worst first date idea ever.) But, calming down, I think it may be due to the fact I’m not quite as mentally stimulated in “There are fifty states!?!?!” Johnson County as I was at a college university (Not to bash ALL of Johnson County, everywhere has it’s share of idiots, we just seem to have a little more than most). But also, I’ve not been reading as much as I should, or actively increasing my vernacular as aggressively as I would like. So yeah, Bad Logan. :(

But, moving on. In other ways, I’ve really not changed at all. I still follow mostly the same patterns and habits, still like and enjoy mostly the same JUST A SMALL TOWN GIRL!! LIVIN’ IN A LONELY WORLD! SHE TOOK THE MIDNIGHT TRAIN GOIN’ ANYWHERE!!.. Sorry about that, blacked out for a moment. Seems I’m still a Journey nerd. (Good thing SOPA isn’t around to send me to prison over that one). For all the little things that have changed, the big picture is still mostly the same. I still have to fight my ego on occasion, still have terrible lady skills, and still fail miserably at this whole macho man business. But you know what? I’ll let my ego get the best of me at least this once, because I like the person I am. Now, I know I am nowhere near perfect, and as far as faults go,I’ll be the first to admit I have my share, but I think on the whole, I’m a halfway decent human-being-like entity. So, my review? 5 stars out of LENGTH OF BLOG EXCEEDS PAGE CAPACITY 

A bad case of fiction

I’ll preface this as “A random and spontaneous act of narrative fiction I  decided to type.” Oh, the wonders of bad writing :)

Waiting. The nervous pacing, the watching of the second-hand , the sparks of hope that fade to ash. The unutterable fears of disaster mingled with the excitement of what may come. At last, with an air of finality, the news arrived. Joyous, the man sprang up, giving his thanks to the Gods. His prayers had at last been answered, his time and effort fully vindicated. His fears that had seemed so palpable mere moments before, evaporated like the early morning dew. He danced, he laughed, he shouted his triumphs towards the Heavens themselves. After what seemed an eternity of happiness and hope, he quieted. His heart, it seemed, could not keep pace with his spirit. As the paramedics rushed to the scene, one accidentally knocked over the man’s laptop. As it clattered to the floor, had one’s errant gaze had happened to pass over it, one would have seen the sanguine news that had burst this mans heart. For on the screen it read “Friend request accepted.”

Sounds in the Void

Staring into the computer screen. Delusions of grandeur; belief in the fairy tale of self importance. No, Logan, you are simply fooling yourself, constructing elaborate, if pleasant, lies to slake the dismay of loneliness. You vain, shallow asshole who thinks he is unique in the world. Scared for the future. Excited by the possibilities. Dreaming for a day that may never come.

I am tired and lonely right now. This is not a constant emotional state, but as the months have already rolled well past a year, I find myself yearning for a lovers embrace more and more frequently. I know my own failings, but sadly, I can’t seem to do anything to fix them. I’m still terrified of rejection. I still break into a nervous sweat and make a fool of myself whenever I’m near a pretty girl, and I still convince myself of reciprocal feelings that don’t exist. I’m a socially awkward jerk . At least, I am sometimes. I think and never act. Or else I act and never stop to think. I am a hypocrite, a coward, and a liar. Who feels self-important enough to think that someone would actually take the time to read his asinine whinings.

I am tired and lonely right now. But that is not the whole of my being. I still have wonderful days, awesome friends, a great job, and a loving family. When rest eludes my weary mind, I may find myself in a state of unhappiness, but that is a part of life. I am tired and lonely RIGHT NOW. Not forever. Not I have always been. This is a transitive state. One day I will hold another in my embrace. The cycle may in fact repeat itself several times. But dammit, I’m strong enough to handle it. Yes, this sucks, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t worth it. The heartache and longing of a relationships end pales in comparison to the simple joy of feeling a heart beat alongside your own. The false starts and missed opportunities eventually give way to a new relationship, as beautiful and unique as stars in the sky. So yes, I’m in a lull, the soft part of a melody, when the instruments sigh and all hope seems lost. But I know that crescendo is coming, and it’ll ring to the heavens when it comes.

And its only fifty three and a half hours late!

It’s time to make some New Years resolutions!!!! What was that self? It is the third of January, so I’m a little late? And resolutions are much to vague and all or nothing to actually achieve? Well I’m getting tired of all your mouth self, so you best shut it before I break it. You say I’d have to hit myself to do that and “Surely I’m not that stupid?” Well I’ll show you!

[logged out due to inactivity]

Well, I was just released from the hospital, apparently I just broke three of my teeth, but hey, can’t let anyone talk down to you… Now where was I…. Oh right, resolutions… Let’s see, where to even begin? Be a better person? Where would I even begin? And what rubric would I be grading myself on?”Well, I only murdered 50 million people this year as opposed to the 100 million last year, so yeah, I’ve been a better person” doesn’t sound like a big improvement, but hey, at least I kept my resolution. So… let’s think of something else… I resolve to… You know what? Why even bother making a “resolution”? If I want to “be better person” I’ll just measure my responses, follow the golden rule, and be a descent human being. If I want to learn new things, I’ll go out and learn them. If I want to be healthier I’ll run a little more and eat a little less junk. I don’t need the arbitrary date of New Years to make a plan for how I want to change my life, I need to put my ass in gear and do it. So you know what? I resolve to live my life one day at a time. I’ll try to learn something I didn’t know the day before,  make the statement “the most in shape I have ever been” apply to each new day, approach each new situation with just a touch more wisdom and patience then the one before , and finally the biggie, simply make it through another year so I can start the process all over again.

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED Double Post, 5g

What is this? Another post in one night? Oh, the madness!!!!
Well, simply put, that last blog was to just to get back into the flow of things, and, seeing as how I am taking, not one, but TWO philosophy classes at once, I might as well wrestle and wrangle with some of that good ol’ mess.

“No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.”

This quote really stood out to me as the teacher muttered it and moved on, in a way in which I haven’t entirely grasped. I haven’t decided as of yet if this is a quote of hope or despair, or if it is perhaps both and neither at the same time. No matter what we do, or what happens to us, those events will never again line up exactly the same way they did it that one brief moment in time. Even if they did, we would be a different person then before and that would alter the chain of events. So we only get one chance with everything we do, but we also get a new chance with each new situation. We are not static creatures living static lives; We are ever-changing, ever-growing, ever becoming something new. Or am I placing too much importance on my previously stated “re”-discovered optimism? Perhaps when we step our foot back into that “same” river, we have changed for the worse? Or perhaps the river has become polluted and murky, no longer a clear babbling brook that inspires thoughtful reflection, but a cesspool of filth and decay. What then, do we despair at the seeming randomness and ever-changing aspects of life? Beat our chests, howl our curses in the wind, and avow to never enter the water again? Or perhaps Heraclitus knew that at times, both answers would be grasping towards the truth, that good or ill, everything changes, and as the water has flown onwards and the man has grown or decayed, a new river has arisen in its place. And as the man moves onward, the river changes again, and again, and again. Prospering, Declining, Joyous, Sorrowful, Taciturn, or Garrulous, each one will eventually flow into the next, and the cycle will, not begin anew, but start afresh, and different than ever before. 

 

Time spent …

So, it’s been a while. A very long while in fact. I have been busy with work, school, gearing up for an upcoming play, and going through the nuts and bolts of enlisting in the Coast Guard. I’ve… not necessarily changed all that much, but am certainly more cheerful and less angsty then some of my previous posts would indicate. Of course, earlier I was dealing with getting over my previous inamorata, with all the “I’m doing better, I’ve moved on… oh wait, damn” moments that entails, so maybe I can be excused for a few of my more sad-sack moments. Presently I’m (well avoiding going to sleep because I feel unprepared for the barrage of exams I’m taking on the morrow) but in a less literal sense, I’m currently happy. Things have been going my way,  and I’ve succeeded at most everything I’ve set my mind to lately. A few plans here and there that haven’t come to fruition quite yet, but I’m hopefully optimistic. I don’t know what tomorrow will hold, and I’m done poring over the past, so maybe I can just live in the now.