Sounds in the Void

Staring into the computer screen. Delusions of grandeur; belief in the fairy tale of self importance. No, Logan, you are simply fooling yourself, constructing elaborate, if pleasant, lies to slake the dismay of loneliness. You vain, shallow asshole who thinks he is unique in the world. Scared for the future. Excited by the possibilities. Dreaming for a day that may never come.

I am tired and lonely right now. This is not a constant emotional state, but as the months have already rolled well past a year, I find myself yearning for a lovers embrace more and more frequently. I know my own failings, but sadly, I can’t seem to do anything to fix them. I’m still terrified of rejection. I still break into a nervous sweat and make a fool of myself whenever I’m near a pretty girl, and I still convince myself of reciprocal feelings that don’t exist. I’m a socially awkward jerk . At least, I am sometimes. I think and never act. Or else I act and never stop to think. I am a hypocrite, a coward, and a liar. Who feels self-important enough to think that someone would actually take the time to read his asinine whinings.

I am tired and lonely right now. But that is not the whole of my being. I still have wonderful days, awesome friends, a great job, and a loving family. When rest eludes my weary mind, I may find myself in a state of unhappiness, but that is a part of life. I am tired and lonely RIGHT NOW. Not forever. Not I have always been. This is a transitive state. One day I will hold another in my embrace. The cycle may in fact repeat itself several times. But dammit, I’m strong enough to handle it. Yes, this sucks, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t worth it. The heartache and longing of a relationships end pales in comparison to the simple joy of feeling a heart beat alongside your own. The false starts and missed opportunities eventually give way to a new relationship, as beautiful and unique as stars in the sky. So yes, I’m in a lull, the soft part of a melody, when the instruments sigh and all hope seems lost. But I know that crescendo is coming, and it’ll ring to the heavens when it comes.